


A Football Head in a Pear Tree

by LapisDidNOTHINGwrong101



Category: Hey Arnold!
Genre: 12 Days of Christmas, Blood, Chaos, Christmas, Christmas Miracles, Christmas Music, Crack, Explicit Language, F/M, Hanukkah, Humor, Large Breasts, Parody, Poop joke, Song Parody, Swearing, politically incorrect
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-25
Updated: 2020-12-25
Packaged: 2021-03-10 18:20:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,286
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28321533
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LapisDidNOTHINGwrong101/pseuds/LapisDidNOTHINGwrong101
Summary: I don't own Hey Arnold. Set before the Jungle Movie, Helga throws Arnold her rendition of The 12 Days of Christmas with help from the students of PS 118, chaos and hilarity ensues. Rated M for Language, Violence, some nudity and politically incorrect humor. (My first Hey Arnold crackfic, enjoy!)
Relationships: Harold Berman/Rhonda Wellington Lloyd, Helga Pataki/Arnold Shortman
Comments: 1
Kudos: 4





	A Football Head in a Pear Tree

A/N: I don't own Hey Arnold. Since there are several 12 Days of Christmas Hey Arnold stories which are cool, I've decided to write my own. The students are 18 and up. Rated Mature for language, violence a bit of nudity and some suggestive themes. Viewer discretion is advised.

A Football Head in a Pear Tree

(PS 118, auditorium)

A few days before Christmas, Helga sets up a "12 days of Christmas" rendition for Arnold as a thank you for everything he has done. This takes place before the Jungle Movie.

Helga pulls out her Arnold heart locket and says "Oh my dearest Arnold, I will win your heart over with this musical and we will finally …"

Brainy starts breathing down her neck causing Helga to back fist him in the face.

Arnold enters the auditorium, he just got out of church.

"Wow thanks Helga this is really thoughtful of you." Said an enthusiastic Arnold.

"No worries Football Head, Alright Everyone like we rehearsed a 5, 6, 7, 8!...On The first day of Christmas my true love gave to me, a Football Head in a Pear Tree." Laughed Helga.

"Pretty creative Helga." Sighed Arnold.

"On the second day of Christmas my true love gave to me…. two AP Exams? Said Phoebe and Gerald.

"And a football head in a Pear Tree." Said Helga.

"Shit, that's Brutal Gerald." Said Arnold.

"On the 3rd Day of Christmas my True Love gave to me…..3 Bags Of Coal?" Asked Curly feeling ripped off.

"2 AP exams by Christmas Morning? What are they thinking?" Asked Gerald as Phoebe studied away.

"And a Football Head in a Pear Tree." Said Helga.

"Well Curly that's what happens when you're on the naughty list." Said Arnold.

"There's gotta be a mistake, I'm calling the North Pole!" Barked Curly.

"On the 4th Day of Christmas my true love gave to me, 4 crates of Yahoo Soda, Just Drink It." Said Stinky.

"Operator I shouldn't have 3 bags of coal!" Bitched Curly.

"No calculators or use of Wolfram Alpha for the math sections? Bullshit!" Complained Gerald.

"Sorry, I didn't make the rules for these Two AP Exams." Said Phoebe.

"And a Football Head in a Pear Tree." Said Helga.

"I thought you didn't work for Yahoo Soda anymore?" Asked Arnold.

"4-finger discount." Answered Stinky.

"Okay onto the 5th day of Christmas…...where's Eugene?" Asked Helga.

"FIVE…...KIDNEY….STONES!" Said Eugene from a bathroom.

"4 Yahoo Soda Crates." Said Stinky as he cracked open a bottle like cracking open a cold one with the boys.

"Whaddya mean you can't connect me to Santa?! That fat jollyass motherfucker ruined my Christmas with those three bags of Coal!" Curly bitched more.

"What's with these bitchass long equations? They look like Ancient Egyptian Hieroglyphics." Complained Gerald.

"Gerald I'm trying to study for these two AP Exams" Said Phoebe.

"And a Football Head in a Pear Tree." Said Helga.

"Shit Eugene, someone call an ambulance!" Said Arnold.

"IT FUCKING HURTS!" Cried Eugene.

"On the 6th Day of Christmas my true love gave to me, 6 geese for dinner." Said Lila as she chops one of their heads off with a cleaver, blood squirting everywhere and even on Lila's PETA: People Eating Tasty Animals apron as the goose gives a final honk.

"Five…...kidney…..STOOOONES!" Said Eugene, still in pain.

"Four Yahoo Soda crates." Said Stinky as he slammed a few bottles.

"Santa blocked me?! I'm gonna get to the bottom of these 3 bags of coal!" Said Curly.

"Failing the 2 exams results in retaking the course?! It's like they want us to fail! If this shit was optional then nobody in their right or wrong mind would take these 2 AP Exams." Said Gerald.

"And a football head in a Pear Tree." Said Helga.

"Thanks Lila but couldn't you have bought them dead from the store?" Asked Arnold.

"I could but coming from a farm, I prefer organic food ever so much. I grow/raise my own food because lots of city food contains chemicals. Plus they won't fly away because I also clipped their wings." Explained Lila as she beheads another live goose.

"On the 7th day of Christmas my true love gave to me, Seven Spiders spinning." Said Nadine as she held a container with nightmarish looking spiders spinning and weaving silk.

"Hey stop running you little shit I mean shoot, otherwise I won't have 6 Geese for Dinner!" Said Lila as she corners a goose and beheads it like a slasher, even though she's scared of such films.

"WHAT SIN HAVE I COMMITTED TO WARRANT ….FIVE…..KIDNEY…...STOOOOONES?!" Sobbed Eugene in severe penile pain.

"Four Yahoo HICCUP! Soda Crates." Said Stinky, he had cleared a lot at this point.

"THAT RED SUIT WEARING, COOKIE-EATING MILK-DRINKING OL' FUCK HAS ANOTHER THING COMING FOR GIVING ME 3 BAGS OF COAL!" Snarled Curly.

"A paper for Black History Month makes up 30% of the two AP Exams? I honestly don't want a Black History Month and in the words of Morgan Freeman, Black History is American History!" Said Gerald.

"Then why not use that for the paper?" Asked Phoebe.

"Oh yeah thanks Phoeb'!" Said Gerald as he got to work.

"And a Football Head in a Pear Tree." Said Helga.

"Cool Spiders Nadine! But aren't the ones in your jar dangerous?" Asked Arnold.

"Good question, I probably should've looked that up first before bringing them. Hey one of my Spiders got out." Said Nadine.

"On the Eighth Day of Christmas my true love gave to me…...eight overdue debts?" Asked Sid.

"Okay nobody panic, I'll find the poor little and hopefully harmless arachnid and return him/her to its jar making it 7 Spiders Spinning." Said Nadine.

"Oh please hold your horses and calm down, you're going to get blood all over the 6 geese for dinner!" Said Lila as a goose she was trying to kill was running around with its head chopped off like a chicken.

"...Five…...kidney….STOOOOOOOONES!" Wept Eugene, still in the men's room waiting for an ambulance.

"...uh…..Four….crates of (belches) Yahoo Soda." Said Stinky.

"MY GUN LICENSE REQUEST GOT REJECTED! THE GUN STORE SAYS I'M TOO PSYCHOTIC FOR A GUN?! I'M MAKING THIS PERSONAL WITH SANTA FOR THE 3 BAGS OF COAL!" Roared Curly.

"I'm never gonna sleep tonight, thanks ya 2 AP Exams." Said Gerald.

"And a Football Head in a Pear Tree." Said Helga.

"Sid are you okay….?" Asked Arnold.

At that moment Sid's phone goes off.

"Uh hey Lorenzo uh look the money is still coming and…...NO IT'S NOT LIKE THAT PLZ DON'T HURT ME JUST GIVE ME A WEEK AND I'LL PAY YOU BACK DOUBLE! (Listens) NO DON'T SLICE MY NOSE OFF AND STICK IT UP MY BUTT I'LL PAY YOU BACK!" Said Sid on the phone.

"Sid how much do you owe?!" Asked Arnold.

"I asked Lorenzo for a few hundred bucks for an engagement ring to Ruth!" Said Sid.

"Um on the 9th day of Christmas my true love gave to me, Nine Menorah Candles." Said Harold.

"Mmmmmm I wanna feel YOUR candle Harold." Slurred a tipsy Rhonda followed by some giggles, Irish Cream on her breath.

"Uhhhh thx babe." Said a blushing Harold.

Rhonda smiles, closes her eyes, slowly brings a clenched fist to her mouth on one end and poking her tongue at her inner cheek on the other side while moaning.

"Yeah yeah Alright alright keep it G-rated sister." Said Helga.

"Killjoy." Pouted Rhonda.

"PLEASE NOT MY DICK LORENZO! I'LL PAY BACK THOSE 8 OVERDUE DEBTS!" Begged Sid.

"Okay if I were a potentially dangerous spider where would I crawl to? Then I'll have Seven Spiders Spinning." Nadine asked herself out loud.

"Phew that's the last one! Now to pluck the feathers off these six geese for dinner!" Said Lila.

"WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL SINGING?! SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME WITH THESE….. FIVE…..KIDNEY….STOOOOOONES!" Begged Eugene.

"Four…...Crates of…..Yahoo…..Soda…..how am I not dead yet?" Asked Stinky.

"I'M GONNA MAKE ST. NICK REGRET EVER PUTTING MY NAME ON HIS SHITTY ASS NAUGHTY LIST! FUCK THESE 3 BAGS OF COAL! I WANTED AN XBOX!" Roared Curly.

"100,000 word limit?! This should be illegal, especially for these two AP Exams!" Said Eugene.

"Call me crazy, but I actually enjoy these assignments." Admitted Phoebe.

"And a Football Head in a Pear Tree." Said Helga.

"Nice Menorah Candles Harold, um Rhonda are you okay?" Asked Arnold.

"I'm a Chubby chaser and proud of it." Cooed Rhonda as she eyed Harold's fat gut and exposed belly button.

"Ooooookay then." Said Arnold.

"On the tenth day of Christmas my true love gave to me, 10 Christmas Chocolates (she eats and swallows them but she frowns)...those…..weren't…...chocolates….." Said Sheena as her face went green.

"Nine Menorah Candles….Rhonda why are you squeezing my gut?" Asked Harold.

"I wanna lick you…...all…...over....and over again." Said Rhonda licking her lips.

"...Me likey." Said Harold.

"...(Phone) Ruth it's Sid, remember that ring? We may have to flee town and lay low for a while due to the 8 overdue debts." Said Sid.

"Oh little Spider? Don't worry I'm not mad, in fact Momma has a nice, juicy cricket just for you! Just come back and rejoin the Seven Spiders Spinning." Said Nadine.

"Okay I chopped the heads and plucked the feathers, so following this Gordon Ramsay cookbook, I need to remove the inedible parts before I cook the Six Geese for Dinner." Said Lila as she uses a big ass knife to gut the dead geese.

"Come on….you can do it….leave my urethra, you…..FIVE…..KIDNEY…...STONES!" Said Eugene, still stuck on the first one.

"...I must have set a record for drinking these 4 Crates of Yahoo Soda." Said Stinky.

"NOT ONLY WILL I GET SANTA BUT I'LL GET HIS WIFE, REINDEER AND ELVES TOO! THAT WILL TEACH HIM NOT TO GIVE ME 3 BAGS OF COAL!" Said Curly.

"Gonna need some energy drinks for these Two AP Exams." Grumbled an exhausted Gerald.

"And a Football Head in a Pear Tree." Said Helga.

"Sheena, what did you eat?" Asked a very concerned Arnold.

"...Reindeer poop….." Said Sheena as she's gagging, covers her mouth and runs to the nearest bathroom which was the men's room, occupied by Eugene.

"Hope the author shows mercy. Hey Sheena, have you called an ambulance? Wait this is the boys room..." Said Eugene.

"OUTTA MY WAY JINX!" Said Shenna as she shoves Eugene to the ground hard before she upchucks into the urinal, Eugene falls on his crotch.

"AAAAAAAHHHHHH WHY?!" Asked Eugene.

Sheena didn't answer, she just kept puking the poopy contents out.

"On the 11th Day of Christmas my true love gave to me, 11 pole dancers twirling." Cooed Olga as she and 10 of her friends gave a pole dance show topless, Olga's natural DD cup boobs with nice erect nipples bounce.

"OLGA YOU WENT OFF SCRIPT! YOU WANNA SABOTAGE MY CHANCES WITH….?!(People applaud and toss money on the stage) …...Smart thinking Olga, a little improv goes a long way." Said Helga.

"10 Christmas Chocolates." Said Chocolate Boy who took over as Sheena was still hacking her guts out.

"9 Menorah Candles….." Said Harold.

"I wanna do your fatty body so much Harold!" Said a drooling Rhonda, guzzling a beer. She tackles him, lifts his shirt up and starts blowing on his stomach.

"AH HA HA HA STOP IT TICKLES HA HA HA I'M NOT A BABY AH HA HA HA THIS IS DEGRADING BUT FEELS AWESOME AH HA HA HA!" Said Harold.

"...I hate these 8 overdue debts." Said Sid.

"Found you, now to rejoin your 7 Spinning Spiders AH IT BIT ME!" Said Nadine like she's Coyote Peterson.

"Excellent now I can cook these 6 Geese for Dinner!" Said Lila as she placed them in a huge stove.

"Five…...Kidney…...STOOOOOOOOONEES!" Wept Eugene as he lay on the floor, fetal position.

"Four…...uh oh, I gotta pee!" Said Stinky as he runs to the bathroom, walks around Eugene and Sheena then answers the call to nature in a urinal. He has to keep flushing otherwise the urinal would overflow from said pee.

"Stinky has someone called an ambulance?" Asked Eugene.

"Nope not yet sorry I can't talk and pee at the same time." Said Stinky.

"BUT I'M IN PAIN AND SHEENA IS STILL PUKING!" Said Eugene.

"Sorry fellers, I's love to stay but I gots ta' fly." Said Stinky as he finishes, washes his hands a good 20 seconds then heads back.

"What took so long?!" Said Helga.

"See what happens when you drink 4 Yahoo Soda Crates." Said Stinky.

"HERE I COME SANTA AND I'M GONNA BEAT YOUR ASS WITH THESE 3 BAGS OF COAL THEN I'LL BE THE NEW SANTA CLAUS MUHAHAHAHAHA!" Laughed Curly.

"Phoebe Maybe we should drop the class." Said Gerald.

"I'm not missing out on getting more points because of these 2 AP Exams." Said Phoebe as she nearly finishes the work.

"And a Football Head in a Pear Tree." Said Helga.

"Well that was eye opening Olga." Said Arnold.

"Aw thanks Hun', girl's gotta earn tuition for college." Said Olga with a twirl on the pole, her privates on full display.

"On the 12th day of Christmas my true love gave to me, 12 free presents….." Said Oscar as he held a bag of 12 gifts over his back like The Grinch.

"GIMMIE BACK MY DAMN CHRISTMAS SHOPPING YOU THIEVING WEASEL!" Said Arnold's Grandpa Phil as he tackles Oscar and beats the ever loving shit out of him.

"OW I'M BEING ATTACKED! PLEASE DON'T SEND ME BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA OR ELSE PUTIN WILL KILL ME!" Oscar tried bullshitting his way out.

"YOU'RE CZECK NOT RUSSIAN YOU LAZY LYING FUCK! I KNOW THE DIFFERENCE! I WHOPPED HITLER'S NAZI ASS BACK IN WWII, YOU'RE NOTHING BUT A LITTLE BITCH! I'VE BEEN DREAMING OF THIS DAY FOR A LONG ASS TIME!" Said Arnold's Grandpa showing Oscar no mercy.

"11 Pole Dancers Twirling (Wolfgang pinches her butt while saying "My place Babe?") OW THAT HURT! READ THE RULES: IT'S LOOK NO TOUCH ASSHOLE!" Said Olga with her flaming brown eyes as she socks Wolfgang in the face.

"AAAH YOU BROKE MY NOSE!" Said Wolfgang.

"SICK HIM GIRLS!" Said Olga as she and her 10 other friends start stomping on Wolfgang with their high heeled stripper boots, Olga landing a stomp on Wolfgang's crotch.

"AAAAAAHHHH OH HO HO HO!" Cried out Wolfgang in pain.

"10 more Christmas Chocolates please?" Asked Chocolate Boy.

"I think you've had enough, maybe some celery with peanut butter..." Said Helga.

"GIVE ME 10 MORE CHRISTMAS CHOCOLATES OR I'LL GUT YOU LIKE A FUCKING FISH!" Chocolate Boy threatened with a shank he just pulled out from his bag.

"OKAY I'LL GET MORE JUST DON'T SHANK ME!" Said Helga.

"Nine Menorah Candles." Said Harold.

"All I want for Christmas is you Harold Berman." Said a drunk Rhonda Wellington Lloyd.

"Oh the Mariah Carey song?" Asked Harold.

"No the Vince Vance song, which predates Mariah Carey's song by a whole year." Said Rhonda.

"Wait really?" Asked Harold.

"Yup and not only did Carey steal and alter the song, she bribes radio stations shit tons of money to keep the Vince Vance version from playing." Explained Rhonda.

"Damn not only is Mariah Carey's voice too high as well as staring in one of the worst movies ever, but she's also a corrupt, song-stealing bitch." Said Harold.

"Yup but anyway let's focus on a happier subject, wait I'm losing my buzz." Said Rhonda as she downs some more Irish Cream, then chucks the finished bottle in a recycling bin saying "Ah much better, now let's make love my big fat boy!" Said Rhonda as she and Harold had an epic game of Tonsil Hockey.

"If these two Fuck-Birds don't find a hotel room soon, this story will get taken down!" Said Helga as she got a huge hose and sprayed the two lovers, but this only made them more horny for each other. Rhonda pulled out her waterproof phone and played Vince Vance's "All I Want For Christmas is You" and went at it with Harold.

"Oy Fucking Vey." Said Helga.

"Sid you're safe, I paid off your 8 Overdue Debts." Said Ruth.

"Oh Ruth thanks! I don't know how I can ever repay you!" Said Sid as he was hiding behind a curtain, feet visible.

"First don't ask for loans you can't repay yourself. Then buy me something nice and later we'll cuddle." Said Ruth.

"Okay thanks!" Said a reinvigorated Sid.

"Phew it was a dry bite, next time I'll think twice about my Seven Spiders Spinning." Said a relieved Nadine.

"Not gonna lie, this is some great fucking shit, A+ on the 6 Geese for Dinner." Said Gordon Ramsay.

"Aw thanks!" Said Lila as she and Gordon Ramsay bear hug while smiling.

Ambulances finally arrive and are getting Eugene and Sheena on stretchers.

"Now the doctors will help with my …...five…...kidney…..stones….." Said Eugene as he held hands with Sheena who needed her stomach pumped.

"Screw Diet Yahoo Soda I'm sticking with another 4 crates of Yahoo Soda." Said Stinky.

"YOU MAY HAVE WON THIS ROUND WITH THE 3 BAGS OF COAL FAT BOY, BUT LIKE A SHITTY STAR WARS SEQUEL I WILL RETURN, MORE CRINGY AND PSYCHOTIC THAN EVER!" Roared Curly as he is cuffed and placed in the back of a cop car for attacking a mall Santa. As the car drives away Curly could be heard barking like a demented, rabid dog.

"Hey Phoebe the class has been cancelled today, no more 2 AP Exams!" Cheered Gerald.

"BOLLOCKS!" Said Phoebe as she tore up the assignments she had worked on.

"And a Football Head in a Pear Tree!" Said Helga.

A huge Arnold shrine 6 times bigger than the one in Helga's room is erected on the stage but starts to crumble and fall apart. Everyone freaks out but they escape safe and sound. It takes time and money to rebuild the stage and auditorium and the events are televised.

"Helga, it was still a very valiant attempt." Said Phoebe.

"Well that's just fucking dandy, MY PLAN WENT TITS UP!" Roared Helga.

"What are you talking about? Gerald and Phoebe don't have to take those exams, Lila won Gordon Ramsay's approval, Herald and Rhonda's relationship is stronger than ever, Olga saved enough money from pole dancing to pay her college tuition, I can go on and on. Helga, this was the best 12 Days of Christmas ever!" Said Arnold as he hugs Helga.

Helga hugs Arnold back, she feels like a princess.

"Ooooooh my sweeet, looooving, Arnold…" Said Helga.

"Helga…...and Arnold…...sitting in a tree…...K-I-S-S-I-N-G." Said Brainy in between creepy breaths.

Helga then backfists Brainy again.

(Curtain call)

Arnold and Helga are on the reconstructed stage with everyone from the story as if it's the end of an SNL special.

"Hey readers Helga, the cast and I want to personally thank you all for reading this short story and during these very hard times wish you a very Safe and very Fun Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!" Said Arnold.

"HERE HERE!" Said Helga as she kisses Arnold's cheek under the mistletoe causing him to blush and smile, then he kisses her back.

Everyone else cheers.

The End.

A/N: Anyway thanks again for reading, Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, Happy Holidays and fuck Covvid-19.

Feel free to let me know what you thought of my story in the reviews.

Also I have several different Hey Arnold ideas floating in my head that I'll make into more stories. Take Care!


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